What About Me, I Matter Too
Chapter Three
My first memories are of being about 2 to 3 years old and locked in a dark house staring out of the window and waiting in terror for my mother to come back. I can still see this image in my mind even though I was only a toddler.
It was snowing outside, and everything looked bright. The streetlights reflected on the snow making it look like a fairy tale landscape, while I stood in the dark holding onto the open curtains waiting for my mother to return. I heard a bang, and a man forced the front door open and walked into the dark room. He was with another man, and they started looking around and opening drawers and throwing things about. They didn’t see me standing small and terrified at the window, hiding behind the curtain peering out at them. The men go into the kitchen and then the bedroom and continue laughing and throwing items about as they search for valuables. They collect what they have stolen and leave, but they leave the front door open!
I vaguely remember walking out of the house looking for my mother! My next memory is being stuck in ice and so cold. I remember a scary man with his dog wading into the pond, picking me up and climbing up the steep snowy embankment. My memories then end of this incident.
Years later, I remember my mother shouting at me about how I had been responsible for the house getting robbed when I was little. My mother shouted that I had left the front door open and gone out and burglars had robbed the house and it was my fault! I clearly remember my mother screaming at me that she could have been in trouble because of my actions and the man with the dog had shouted at her. I gather from snippets of her screaming anger at me, the story as my mother saw it.
I had wandered out of the house and onto the large fields that surround the complex of social housing. I had slipped in the snow and fallen down a hill into a pond that was frozen over, my small body had broken the thin layer of ice, but I was so cold and just sat there in the freezing water surrounded by thin ice.
A man had been taking his dog for a walk and had seen me wandering and falling down the slope. He had rescued me and bumped into my mother as she was returning to the house. I do not know what was said concerning my wandering on my own or falling into the frozen pond at night in the dark. I am guessing that due to this incident; this is the reason I was always threatened to not go out when my mother wasn’t at home, and this is the reason she securely locked me in the house when I was home alone.
Snippets from my book
CHAPTER TWO
WEIGHED DOWN WITH LIFE
Wow, that sounds miserable, doesn’t it? WEIGHED DOWN WITH LIFE. But you have just had a peek at your inner self by answering my questions.
I am guessing you may feel emotional. Maybe upset, angry and resentful. You might have thrown this book across the room shouting, “What a pile of shit!” and that’s ok. You are feeling your emotions and that is always good. You may feel nothing and that is ok as well. Keep trying!
I want you to feel on a deep emotional level. That includes all your emotions, whether positive or negative and everything in between. I want you to unpack that weight you are carrying with you. You know the weight I mean. The weight consists of other people’s expectations of you and any trauma you have experienced in your life. Then the biggest of all your emotions. Guilt, remorse, fear, anger, disgust, anxiety, blame and sadness. The list goes on and on. If I remember correctly, there are about 27 basic different emotions and a few thousand if you break them down. After all, we are human, and we are emotional, intelligent beings who are living confusing and complicated lives. We also have positive emotions such as joy, happiness, love, gratitude, optimism, hope, confidence, freedom, inspiration and more.
Now ask yourself the reason you do what do. Are you trying to please others? Are you trying to keep the peace? Are you fearful? Are you intimidated by change, or do you feel you have dug yourself a hole you can’t climb out of? What is the reason you live the way you do? After all, it is a choice. You always have a choice, even when you feel you don’t.
The choices you have may feel overwhelming and difficult, but living a life that is not happy or fulfilling or a life that is chaotic and stressful, is difficult. So, what do you choose? Because both have their difficulties. Staying the way you are and where you are, is familiar and has become comfortable and a habit. Changing for a better life is moving into the unfamiliar and unknown, which is always scary.